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The band finished their last song and left the stage, and we all began to file out, an inglorious army of balding men in shorts, Tevas and Costco Hawaiian shirts, and soccer moms losing the battle of the bulge. Toward the end of the show, lots of people crowded down into the first few rows and started dancing, and we did too. Like every other kid, at least in the San Francisco Bay Area, Zachary has been indoctrinated with earnest warnings and information about AIDS, safe sex and drugs from an early age. So maybe the best way to keep kids off drugs is not to intone Just Say No, but to lay down morally relativist raps while under the influence of Humboldt County's finest. So although I was vaguely aware that this was something I was maybe supposed to do, I didn't think about it much and certainly didn't plan to do it. I have no problem with "because I said so". I've delivered more domestic commands than Gen. He was a month shy of his 15th birthday and had just started high school. I'd done the drugs part, why not do the sex part too. He was rocking happily away, but he definitely saw me. MAGA base to lose their food stamps. In another way, though, I'm kind of glad we had that talk. He knew all that stuff anyway, and I don't know that hearing it from me made any difference. Which probably had something to do with at least part of the conversation that ensued.

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There is nothing more disturbing than the thought of a child giving birth. Wait! You want to give your kid a horse ride, great. If you have to.


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Description: I cracked up, and he smiled. I'd plunged in, and found that the chilly waters of The Talk weren't so bad after all. Like 'til you're 17 or 18, or in college. It didn't really seem that urgent to warn him not to get into crank, drop too much acid or knock up girls. Somewhere in the course of this lecture a stray thought blew through my buzzed brain like a brightly colored piece of paper. Was he old enough to handle it. My wife brought it up in passing -- "Hey, honey, are you going to talk to Zachary about the birds and the bees. It isn't that I'm afraid of being an authority figure and want to be their friend, not their father. College corroborates Cohen's testimony. It's probably better to wait a while before you try it. He was rocking happily away, but he definitely saw me. After mumbling a few more be-careful, have-fun platitudes, I looked over at Zachary, wondering what he was thinking. Like most parents I know, I tend to avoid stilted and artificial interactions with my children. By the time we had walked the mile or so to the car, I realized that I was extremely stoned.
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